Ok so she deiced to break yet another promise to me i mean wtf! Why make a promise if your not going to keep it?! I try to tell her things are going to happen but no she doesn't listen even after all this time. I just can't take much more of this I'm about to lose my mind and leave her cuz this shit has got to stop!

Current Mood: crushed

Ok so its been a long time since the last time i wrote in this. I guess there was no real need to since the last time summer and I broke up but we have been back together for about 2 or 3 months now and to be honest things aren't going to so well.... I mean they are when she is here things are great i couldn't be happier, but when she leaves all that fear and doubt of the past comes back. I know it's because of everything that happened in the past i just can't seem to let go of it but I'm really trying to. I've even put her through a few tests with the help of a friend and she has failed them I'm sad to report, but its ok because i still have hope for us. Like me she has to let go of a lot of things as well. Mostly the thought of losing me which i do understand why she has that fear i have tried to leave her every night for about 5 days now. I don't want to lose her ever again but i have a feeling for once this time I'm going to be the one to mess it up and not her. As of right now she really is doing everything right other then lying to me which is a huge thing to me. I mean how can you be with someone you can't trust. I'm going to give her another shot though cuz i can tell she really does want to be with me. I know for a fact that she has thought about me every day since we broke up for the first time and there is a reason for that as well. Someone read her diary and told me about it yes it was wrong and that person knows it and feels like shit because if it but that person is also glad about doing it because that person knows now how much she really does love me and i have to say i'm very happy to hear that. So i do know that she wasn't lying to me about that and it gives me hope that we will get married one day and have a family. It may not be the big family that i wanted but we will have a family and that's all that matters to me. I wish she would just run away sometimes and come live with me so we can be happy forever but there are a lot of things we both need to do before we get that started.


As for making this work out with her there are a few things I need to work on. I do have to start trusting her more even though she really hasn't given me any reason to trust her but yeah i do need to that for her. Another thing i need to do is STOP TRYING TO FREAKING LEAVE HER! Its tarring her apart right now i know it is because she did it to me so many times in the past but the only difference was with all my begging she always left me in the end so that crap has got to stop. I can't keep hurting the woman I'm going to marry.


I have thought about getting her pregnant as well everyone tells me it would mess up both of our lives but i really don't think that it would we both love each other with all are hearts and souls so it really wouldn't be that hard. I'm not saying it would be easy cuz i know for a fact its going to be hard as hell to do it but the love will be there and so will the money. I just don't think she is really ready for one yet. She said she wanted to the other week when she was here but she wanted to for the wrong reason. I don't want her to get pregnant just because she doesn't want to leave me she should want to because she loves me and is ready to start a family, but i know now that she is far from being ready to be a mother. A few more years of us being together and living together and I'm sure we will both me ready to and married lol.


Anyway i think that's all i have as of right now I'm going to get a bite to eat and get some sleep i hope or maybe ill just wait up again till she gets up who knows just a lot on my mind right now and i can't get to sleep any time soon. Till next time my friends.

Current Mood: awake

so i just asked my girlfriend why she loves me. she said she really doesn't know. isn't that just great to hear someone that you could name every little thing about them that you love and they say i don't know wow... does that mean she doesn't love me and its just that she likes me alot? could be but to be honest i don't know whats going on with her right now.I've asked her this before and still she could never tell me. Is it wrong that she gives me all this doubt? I know that i do love her because i've been through it i know what its like and how happy it can make you down to how bad it can be in all its glory. I'm not letting her no how much that hurts to hear her say that but then again i am a sensitive person when it comes down to all that and on that note im out till the next big thing that comes up. Oh shit i did leave something out we broke up for about week and half. I didn't write about it cuz i was a bit fucked up at the time but we are back together now and its all good but it tis not blah thats just a relationship for yeah lol...

Current Mood: exhausted

ok so i spent the weekend at a friends place and it was awesome! yes its true i went out and had some good clean fun no drugs unless you count the lexi lol. oh and there is now a Cafe SL which is the coolest place ever to eat soon the SL shall pop up every where! deeper im falling into the arms of sorrow! i love that song soooooooo much omg i cant stop singing it..... yeah im a acting like a nerd to day and i must say its all kinds of good. ah and there seems to be and update on the love life i met someone a few days ago that told me i should break up with the person im with now. She made very good points on why i should but after i finished talking with her she noticed that i was in love with her and not that love you have for all your close friends but that deep cant live with out her. After we went onto the past ones that we have loved and thought we did and it made me realize how much i actually loved the one im with now. She sent me a txt last night telling me that i have no idea how much she loves me. i cant help but think if she really did why did she cheat? After we broke up did she see the love that we really had? i want to ask her these things but im not sure that i can. who knows whats going to happen to us i sure dont but what ever does happen im sure it will be for the best. ive been dreaming about us getting married. when they first started up it was me just standing there waiting for my love to meet me at the alter and her never coming. now when i do dream about it like last night we actually do it and its just so perfect i wake up in tears sometimes. anyway onto other things actually ill leave that for a lil later till then i shall continue to do my singing and maybe start up with the book again lol

Current Mood: rejuvenated
Current Music: Killswitch Engage - The Arms of Sorrow

ok i cant sake this feeling that its going to happen again and i dont want to ask her about it or even tell her. so she cheated on me a week before our one year mark. is it true what they say once a cheater always a cheater? I changed why cant she? i really want this to work this time and its only been a 2 days and im already thing about her cheating on me! goodness whats wrong with me? am i just setting it up to fail? i hope not. when i was with her i really thought she could be the one all the signs where there i was doing better at everything and life was just great. we got each other all the stupid jokes everything. so the question is do i ask her about it? do i tell her what im feeling and risk something going wrong like her thinking why is he thinking about it is he cheating in me now or do i just ride it out and see. could just be me worrying about nothing....

Current Mood: worried

she just apologized to me... i never thought that she would or even thought that she had to but she did, and it just means so much to me. its surprising what someone can say to you and have such a huge effect on your feelings and life.

i didnt dream last night like i wanted to. now im just thinking about what im going to write instead of just writing it down. i have no idea why i do that. lol i had so much i wanted to say and now theres just noting... i guess ill just get back on when it comes to me.

Current Mood: mellow

What can i say it was a good day today. I ended up getting my baby back and to my knowledge nothing is going wrong so far. I had that dream again that we were moving into our own place and everything was just so perfect, but dreams will be dreams lol. I guess in a perfect world we would have still been together and would be going on our two years, but the worlds not perfect and its these things that we learn from that make us strong. Hell maybe we need to break up to see what we did wrong and by we i mean me i did mess it up last time. Things will be different this time i know it will.

Current Mood: accomplished

well not to long after the first one i made we got back together! while i am very happy about this i cant help but wonder how long is this going to last? She seems to be very happy about it so idk maybe its real maybe its just a front who knows? only with time will we know what happens, but i must for now i truly am happy for once in a very long time.

Current Mood: cheerful

a friend told me that this would be a good way to let things out so here it goes. Someone has come back into my life whom i thought i would never see or hear from again. Im not sure what she even wants even though she has told me which is me yet not willing to do anyhting about it, but why do i let it get to me even though i know whats going on? when is enough enough? how do you get over someone you thought you have gotten over? while i did love her with eveything i had and yet after the one year mark it just wasnt enough for her. now after almost a year later she is back and yet i have no idea what to do...

Current Mood: confused